Thursday, March 22, 2012

searching

Seriously. When does it get easier? When do you stop paying for ancient mistakes? Why do others seem to breeze through life? Just asking... if you know, please share. I'm searching for these and many more answers. I wish I knew a fraction of as much at 40something as I thought I did as a teenager. I don't understand men OR women now, that's different. I was coaching my daughter on dealing with mean girls and girl drama and I'm no better off than she is. I have always been prepared to be disappointed by men. But women. Women I have been friends with for years and even decades so willing to turn their backs and worse, spread lies, gossip, snicker at my expense, take delight in seeing me struggle. WTH? Some because I told the truth and it wasn't accepted and others because I worked really hard. Whatever I guess. Why do I care? Why don't they care?

Today I had my annual review at work and my boss (best boss EVER!)told me I need to work on assuming positive intent from others. Sheesh. I'm even cynical and skeptical at work I guess. She's right. But it seems like everyone in my life is ready to pick the flesh from my bones, spit in my tea, wish for my failure and misfortune. I'm considering moving back in with my ex. Yep, that's how bad it is at the moment. I may. I don't really have quality of life at the moment. Who cares. I am just going through the motions in this decade of my so called life. It would be easier for the kids. Easier for all of us. Who cares? Why not? Pride? Blech - I got none of that either. I'm just looking for things to be a bit easier. Kinder. Nicer. Gentler. Not being alone at the laundry mat on Christmas AND New Year's Eve. I mean WTF? I'm screwed.

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