Friday, October 29, 2010

how ironic

When I stopped blogging 2 years ago, I really thought I was giving up on my dreams and all my creative ventures. I went from four solid years of being a SAHM and living my dream.  I spent my life devoted to my girls and posting pictures of our moments.  I painted everything I could get my hands on, sewed lace on handmade doll clothes, I cooked every meal and loved most of the life that I detailed here. I also lost a bit of myself.  Lost the respect of others (right or wrong doesn't matter anymore). I have no regrets... I know that I gave my very best.  And it didn't kill me to go back to work full time.  It happened so suddenly that I didn't have time to analyze and mourn that girl.  What I did was work my butt off.  Be treated like a dumbass.  take every opportunity and sieze it like a gem.  I still can't believe that I found a job I love just a mile from my home.  That I was able to get a nice promotion.  And respect of my peers.  I love being able to show my girls how strong I am and they are.  How the last 2 years have brought change and we've more than survived.  The irony is I thought I was giving up who I was b/c of that change, but instead I've been able to return to who I really am.  I am smart, strong, I get the job done, I speak the truth.  I am middle aged.  Finally I've been able to accept that!  I am happier in my 2 bedroom condo with peace and security than I ever was in my 4 bedroom home with the strings attached, sullen silences, constant controlling.  I am free.  I can spend my money on beads and pay my bills.  I don't have to ask permission to have my OWN money. I don't have to ask permission to do anything as a matter of fact. I am that person that I keep trying to be but keep giving up to make room for mr. wrong.  I've spent my life being a strong woman who had to make concessions.  No more. I gave up my life and I gained my life back.  I lost time with my kids but what we've all gained is a greater appreciation for what we have. 

I just lookws around any only see that what I adore.  I have edited down, but certainly not pared down.  And the irony that keeps me amused.  I'm living a lifelong dream - in 2 weeks I will be in Paris.  For a long weekend and then business.  I am living the life I wanted.  I lost the life I wanted. I have time to enjoy life.  I am happy.  Isn't that ironic? 

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